Blinkie made by radiotrophic on deviantart here is the link.
Click here to check their account out for yourself!This website is where i chat about my feelings, topics i find interesting or just some ranting for the day.
Sadness is a such a intrusive thing. Always seem to stick with me where ever i go. While life might throw in surprises it doesn't matter as much in the end as nothing lasts forever, Not even this website.
Sometimes i just look at the bright orange sky and just wonder. How come such a world with suffering and pain be surrounded by beauty. The contrast in life is surreal.
I was watching this video today and i gotta say that i love Fallout New Vegas since it offers a large variety of roleplaying options, complex moral implications of each faction, and most important of all: the memeable moments.
I don't know if they will rush it like the original, but hopefully they don't mess it up. The original is still buggy til this day and requires a mod to patch all the incoming crashes. While the the original Obsidian team had really good devs, they usually have a bad tendancy to pick projects to be rushed with in a span of a year. Another example besides FNV, would be Star Wars Knights of The Old Republic II the Sith Lords.
When it comes to the gaming market today, everything is overpriced, mostly focused on big money productions with the lack of optimization, which could be a benifit to consumers who like me, can't affoard all of these PC parts due to the price increase with the chip shortages. Another thing is the rushed productions of all video games. Back in the day when i was a kid during the 2000s with my Ps2, i see all the games on there as complete because they had to be. since the release of consles like Ps3 and the Xbox, companies have slowly overtime rushed an unfinished product and expect people to pay for it, slowly fixing the game over time with updates and patch notes. This is annoying.
When it comes to the gaming market today, everything is overpriced, mostly focused on big money productions with the lack of optimization, which could be a benifit to consumers who like me, can't affoard all of these PC parts due to the price increase with the chip shortages. Another thing is the rushed productions of all video games. Back in the day when i was a kid during the 2000s with my Ps2, i see all the games on there as complete because they had to be. since the release of consles like Ps3 and the Xbox, companies have slowly overtime rushed an unfinished product and expect people to pay for it, slowly fixing the game over time with updates and patch notes. This is annoying.
It is currently night time, and i've had alot on my mind. I've been just thinking of how truly empty i feel. I know it is a waste of time to pity one self, but its hard not to. Sometimes thats all to think that i can do.. I don't know.
Does time heal wounds? Or do we just slowly forget the wound in question? This is just a late night rambling, however i cannot seem to shake of the feeling of immense loneliness. There is no one i can really hold, kiss, or let me just be me. Even with good friends that i trust.. i just can't seem to shake off the feeling of being on my guard and not telling anyone, anything.
Even in this blog website i've made because i got interested in easy fun coding where i can just do what i want, it helps me disassociate. Distractions is all anyone got, whenever it's just mindlessly scrolling on any social media, talk to a friend or parent for a short moment or just listening to music because that helps you somehow. I know life is about experiencing thing, living it, yet it always ends... Whether you like it or not. It is all out of my control, and that is something i hate. I try to fix, help, but no one accepts. Then i just get hurt from it anyway no matter how much i've tried. This is why i view now most things as temporary.
Just added a new image as a background, plus added a different color of white for the texts then a dark red color for the hyperlinks from now on. I haven't been scrolling these publican domain picture sites alot so i'm still unsure on what works and what doesn't since some can be weirdly cut. And yes i do quite like the background to be a bit blurry and pixliated. It gives me the expression of how hard it is to see the truth of life and how nauseous it makes someone be.
Today i inserted my first blinkie and credited the creator. It feels kinda good learning stuff stuff to code in while, still giving credits to the original creator so even if one person sees this website and checks them out then i'll be happy.
Finally updated the websites look a bit with red boxes and public domain pictures to make this server more readable. Anyway i had a thought of media like music or movies being lost to time. Imagine a work in the modern day being lost or unobtainable, being out of reach for consumers. It feels weird, uncanny even, but that is just a response to something unfinished or unknown, which is usually a reaction from our evolution.
It is a breezy night, was out on a walk and i can always feel the memories of the fall season. During sad days and bizare nights, the pouring rain, jazz playlist, and hot coffee keeps me warm inside as well as feeling the touch of the cold rain on my face on the outside. I usually don't like summer due to the heat. During the summer of 2026, it's been really hot and i don't see it going down any year after these. It's fascinating in the way we can remember touch, the temperature, and feeling we've had during that particular moment. Sometimes it's just easier to be yourself when the rain masks it to other people.
Sorry for my lack of update today. It's coming to a close as i'm typing this. I've been feeling a lack of emotions, sleeping most of the day out, just rotting. I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me. I only talk about it here. I already put a pic for the next day since i'll probably update this website in a couple of hours. I hope whoever is reading this is doing ok. Not good, but just ok since doing good is getting harder and harder these days, doing ok is even rare now. Everything is hid behind a facade of social media, emotional protection and just guarding yourself. I guess me letting out my feelings on here is just a good way to do it without being direct to someone.
So i was going to talk about my dreams but that will be saved for the next section of today. One matter i've been notified of is the EU passing Chat Control 1.0. The beginning of the end, start to big brother always watching. If you want a more in depth explination, then watch this video right here by Mutahar. In short, the government is now pro scanning your messages, privacy is now dead on the internet for all EU citizens, and we are cooked. This isn't the end. All people all over the world should be worried since this will just spread to the rest of the planet. While countries like Australia and the UK has implimented these types or even worse policies, it still is scary to see. From my POV, every major sci-fi medium like Metal Gear Solid II about AI, 1984 about big brother government ect ect. It won't surprise me when chat control 2.0 passes. They have been pushing for this too much. The people just let this happen.. If this was the 70s, therese would've been a revolution by now, but everyone's sedated with their social media, dogshit economy, and the evermore elite taking more and more away from the people. The main excuse they use is "think fo the children", the same people who have been known to go on EPstein's island or been connected to it. You can't make this crap up. Only fix is make parents be parents. They aren't looking at what kids are doing on games, social media. While i grew up with almost no unsupervised internet access, i was still taught by my parents the dangers of the internet. Only difference is: i wasn't born with a tablet and phone in hand. There was no Iphone or Ipad when i was a small kid. And when they came into existance, no one owned them. Everyone still had flip-phones, home phones, and Ipods. Blame the parents and corrupt politicians.
Hi. I had a long day today. Anyway, about dreams. Dreams are so weird. From the most unimaganble objects, scenarios, and people vs familiarty. How a buch of this could mix together, how it can mean nothing yet mean everything at the same time. I've had quite a lot of dreams about the same things years later like, being stuck in a room, grey room with blinders that has light outside and i can hear car ambience. And the breeze of a AC unit. However not all things are good or just neutral. Being chased or falling from heights is one big thing about my dreams. They happen sometimes, which can be scary that i apperently scream no in real life lol. I also get sometimes a "different" kind of dream which i won't go into but it's def spars and i honestly enjoy it quite alot. I don't know why i get these dreams. Are they used to discard useless information? Even though, i have never seen any of these people or places. It is honestly puzzling.
I must apologize for my inactivity yesterday. I just didn't feel good typing anything. I guess it's a flaw of mine that i have trouble doing stuff when i'm in a real debby downer mood. Anyway.... Today i just thought about stuff and I don't know if i blame myself too much when it comes to stuff that happens out of my control or i should just blame others and take the weight off me... or just move on quickly. I know the duck picture above isn't really fitting for today's rant but it is what it is. It made me feel something. My thought today is... how do people move on? They move on fast. Is everything transcational? I don't mean the obvious ones like a business dealing or a meeting place for trading cards, but of friendship and relationship. Is everything really worth cherising for the moment? It will end anyway, end through death or someone just ending it just one day. I find the lack of communication disturbing, but i find people zeroing in on communication, yet don't practice what they preach infuriating. How come you say direct communication is good, then speak in in perhapes, maybes and euphemisms. No one ever says what they feel when you ask directly. Instead of saying I don't want to, it is "i'm busy rn" or "It's not that". What do you mean?!?!?!? I feeling its exhausting to keep up with this encoded sherades. I wonder back in the caveman days if they were this dumb style of indirect communication. I honestly see everything as transcational at this point, furthered by the late stage capitalistic west and the rise of neo-fuedalism in a technological hellscape. I honestly feel that people just use each other. Not just for money, but for the emotional aspect as well. This is really just me saying in a world where everything is commodified, my feelings are rather best kept shut behind a surface level facade, of fakeness. You might read this and say.... Well you are doing what everyone else is doing! True, but how am i as a single person suppose to change a method used by billions everyday, used for many decades. I have come in terms with me being just a spec of dust in history. My feelings to others are useless. Now you will find some rare friends who wont leave you even if they pursue their own goals, yet still keeps in contact with. Though those are a dime a dozen. I don't know. This isn't like decades before where there was a good picture of the future, but just endless wars, no one being held accoutable for their actions, or nothing good being changed.
Now why do we treat most adults in the workplace and in our personal lives like adults? I have never understood that. Many of them act like children. It points me back to the first paragrapth, on how no one directly communicates with you, They rather just discard you without telling you what's wrong or how to fix it. It drives me NUTS! Call me a control freak but you gotta at least look at it from my POV. How come no one wants a solution? Just action out of the blue, no justification made, no lessons learned, nothing gained from your side. Maybe they got the work from you that they needed and cast you out like trash, and made some flimsy excuse on it. My empathy has run it's course for a vast majority of the population. Even if i'll vote this year, i still don't trust politicians to make the right calls, instead just being corrupt, i don't trust the people because they would just rather read the headline than doing a simple google search that would take less than 2 minutes. The resources available are in abundance yet no one uses them. I am baffled. Am i the stupid one for questioning these? Am i stupid for having to think about topics over and over again until i change my perspective later down the line, when i admit i was wrong? I don't know anymore. All i know is, we are all here to suffer and we are multiplying it by making each others lifes harder.
I have been struggling in silence. The amount of apathy I keep getting from feeling my feelings as a creature on this planet, and what others are doing just makes it worse. I've been in such a bad headspace. Dreaming of stuff I regret, what I want to do, and what could've happened if it had turned into a good thing. It really pushes me more down into a dark abyss of emotions. I don't want to feel them anymore. Social media, life in general actually just makes it worse and worse. People say "WELL YOU AREN'T ALONE"... I doesn't make me feel better just because there are a ton of others suffering, How is that suppose to help me?! I don't know anymore. Life used to mean that you passed on your knowledge and wealth to your next of kin, but throughout the recent 80 years of human existance it has been anything BUT that. I know I'm alone, I know nobody is going to save me, Reality is the worst. I wish i could live in dumb ignorant bliss. I am unfixable. I feel like a burden to myself and others. I hate talking about my feelings so therapy is the last place I'd rather be at. What should i do? Just take SSRI? I've already taken enough pills for a week for nother medical reasons, I don't need anymore. I am a failure in a world that wants me to be a failure. I feel more caged up than a zoo animal. At least they can do whatever they want without giving a fucking, acting all primal, yet I as an animal gotta act not animal? It is boarderline animal cruelty against humans, designed by humans to live the life many do. Nobody I talk to will ever understand, I just don't bother anymore. I hate that i was socially condintioned to be this way. A little bitch who won't do anything. Fuck i might need to make my site 18+ if I use cursewords or talk about sexual stuff.
I've been going down in weight (I think). My belly looks smaller than before, and I've been eating less and less. I want to be skinny and not a fat ugly guy. I'm probably gonna color my mullet black. I have only colored my hair with those sprays when I went as a kid to a hair stylist. I am beyond caring what people think of me in terms of looks, can't even get a job interview. Only reason I go down in weight is becuase I am tired more than ever. I might even add blue color later on on top of the black hair. It is really expensive though when going to a stylist to color your hair. I need to buy more shirts, but all of them are either expensive or isn't XXL. Most clothing stores where I am sells 90% Female clothes, then 6% then male at 4%. Why are there so little clothing options for men? I know we don't buy clothes often... I really don't wanna go through online since the mailing service here sucks and usually is delayed by alot.
So, recently I've been going back in time with my musical tastes, and I rediscovered old nightcore songs. I used to listen to these as a kid alot, like.. Alot alot. It sure was a weird yet nogstalic and calming look at those better days. Those days where you didn't have to worry as much about life like, finding a occupation, finding yourself, find a partner, and try to make it on your own. A time where even after the 2008 crash, it wasn't so bad being a kid where I lived. It is way worse today, not to mention the dotcom bubble in the early 2000s. I know life for me back then wasn't that good due to bullying and such, and those rose tinted glasses always come up, but I never had to worry about stuff I'm worried about now. The faster version of the popular songs in nightcore always feel like a sugar rush, even now as an adult, you can't listen to the original for like a day since it will feel slowed and boring compared to nightcore version. It just goes to show how more in depth and community-centric focus the internet was back then, over 10-15 years ago. I guess making my own website on neocities just reminds me of being on the computer back then and looking up guides and cheats for Playstation 2 games lol.